


the stars are black and cold

by outofaith



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Angst, Crying, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Enjolras and Montparnasse are siblings, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Suicide Attempt, so much angst you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29771724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outofaith/pseuds/outofaith
Summary: Grantaire first met Cordelia when they were both sixteen and just had been admitted to the psych ward. They became fast friends. Now, years later, Grantaire had just arrived back at Enjolras' flat, him and all of his found family coming back from the funeral of his found sister.
Relationships: Bahorel/Feuilly (Les Misérables), Combeferre/Courfeyrac (Les Misérables), Cosette Fauchelevent/Marius Pontmercy, Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Joly/Bossuet Laigle/Musichetta, Montparnasse/Jean Prouvaire
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	the stars are black and cold

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I wasn't planning on posting this, because it's so fucking dark, but I found it today on my drafts. I wrote this one two years ago when I had just been discharged from the hospital and needed to put all of my emotions somewhere, so here it is.
> 
> Be careful reading, mind the tags.

“Do you want some tea?” Was the first thing out of Grantaire’s mouth when they got back to the flat Enjolras shared with Combeferre and Courfeyrac. It had been a long day. A day filled with solemn hand shakes, small smiles that were supposed to be comforting but never really managed to do it quite the right way. A day filled with unshed tears and a numbing feeling that seemed to have settled over all of them.

They were all together at the flat in the heart of Paris, needing to be together even if it was only to sit in silence, only to avoid being alone. Marius and Cosette were standing together in one corner of the living room, near the window that Jehan decided it was the perfect place to fill with succulents. Jehan, who was softly whispering something to Montparnasse in the hopes of stopping his spiraling thoughts. Grantaire had never seen Montparnasse looking anything less than perfect, but the dark haired man was tense and his eyes had dark circles under them.

Combeferre and Courfeyrac took upon themselves to put on the kettle, the couple standing in the kitchen not uttering a word. Bahorel and Feuilly sat on the corner of the couch, seeming at a loss of what to say and Eponine didn’t look much better, her eyes empty. Jolly, Bossuet and Musichetta were quietly unpacking some food that Musichetta brought from the Musain. All in all, the flat that usually was filled with laughter and loud voices, one speaking over the other, was quiet and somber.

Grantaire’s eyes followed his boyfriend as the blonde man walked to the corner of the room, the one corner with a place to sit and bask in the morning sun. _Her place._.

Cordelia had been a constant presence in Grantaire’s life ever since he was sixteen and being shipped off to the psych ward for the first time. They developed a quick friendship, bonding over an alarming amount of personal issues, a deep cynicism, a love for self-deprecating humour and a passion for art. They’d spent their time at the hospital together, talking over cigarettes and the occasional weed one of the other patients would smuggle in. He learned that she had two younger brothers whom she missed dearly and then, years later, when Enjolras announced to them that his and Montparnasse’s older sister was coming to town, Grantaire was surprised and elated to learn that the sister was Cordelia.

He blinked back to the moment when he heard Enjolras’ voice coming from the hallway. “I found this,” He started in a quiet voice and all eyes turned to him. “Maman found it, actually. Said it was in her bedroom, playing on her computer on a loop. It has your name on it, R. Do you know what it is?” 

Grantaire turned to his boyfriend and looked at the DVD he was holding. It looked like any other, only his name was written on it in Cordelia’s elegant scrawl. “I-,” He started, but his voice seemed to catch on his throat, he tried again. “I have no idea, Ange, sorry.” Enjolras nodded and bit his lip, his gaze dropping to where his hands were holding the DVD like it was sacred. 

“Maman said it was playing on a loop. Do you think-,” His voice turned rough, like he was trying to fight back the tears. “Do you think we should watch it?” He finally asked and Grantaire didn’t know what to say. “’Parnasse, do you think we should watch it?” Enjolras asked his brother.

Grantaire turned to look at him. ‘Parnasse looked drained and tired, his black suit a stark contrast to his pale skin. “I don’t know.” He settled on. “Maybe, to see what it is.” His voice was quiet, Jehan’s freckled hands drawing circles on his arms. 

Enjolras nodded and walked very slowly to the front of the room where the TV was placed. He popped the DVD on, picked up the remote and sat down on the couch, curling into Grantaire’s side. “You were really close, right?” The blonde asked him and Grantaire’s gaze was distant when he finally answered. “Yeah.” His voice was hoarse so he cleared his throat. 

Everyone else arranged themselves so they could all watch it. When it finally started, Cordelia’s face, much younger, the face that Grantaire remembered first seeing when he was admitted to the ward, stared back at them, a soft, tinkling laugh and a smile that was a bit too self-deprecating to look fully at home on the face of a sixteen year old girl. Her cheekbones were prominent and face a bit sunken, clearly unhealthy. 

_”Grantaire, I swear to God, give me back my fucking camera.” She laughed._

_“No fucking way, you’re filming me all the time, it’s only fair that I get to do the same.”_ Grantaire heard his voice coming from behind the camera and felt his breath catch as he realized what the video was about. He blinked hard and braced himself.

_”It doesn’t work that way, ‘Taire!” Sixteen year old Cordelia rolled her eyes, her cigarette burning bright. “Fine, take it back then.” Sixteen year old Grantaire said, only to have the camera turned and pointed at him. He was sitting on the floor, his hair a mess of greasy curls, dark circles under his eyes, so skinny it was obvious he was sick, the hoodie he was wearing seeming to swallow him whole. It looked much like Cordelia’s frame, she too, was too skinny to be healthy. “Alright, mister artist, tell me about what the fuck you’re gonna do after you leave this fucking place.” Cordelia’s voice could be heard._

_“Fine,” He sighed and lit a cigarette of his own. “I suppose that by the time we’re able to get out of here it’s going to be time to go to Uni, that’s what my therapist said, at least.” He looked at her and jerked his head. “What did yours say about that?”_

_“Much the same.” Her voice came from behind the camera. Grantaire’s green eyes looked at her and his younger self cocked an eyebrow. “Gonna tell me what the fuck has you so down today or do I have to guess?” Her chuckle followed his statement and Grantaire’s younger version brought the cigarette to his lips. “Miss my brothers, more than the other days, I don’t know. You’ll have to meet them once we get out.”_

_“Wanna talk about them?” He asked and she was silent. “Yeah. God, they’re younger than us, Montparnasse is fourteen now and Enjolras is twelve. I can picture them clearly, you know? ‘Parnasse is going through a phase, I suppose. Walks around the house sulking and talking about Edgar Allan Poe. I wouldn’t be surprised if he adopted a crow or something like that,” The camera was focused on Grantaire but the smile was clear in her voice. “And Enj, he’s just this tiny little ball of ideals, he’s just a kid and yet, I’m certain that he’s going to change the world,” She paused for a brief moment, “You know what, ‘Taire? All the light that is lacking in our lives? Enjolras has it to spare. You would love him, I just know it,”_

_“You’ll have to introduce me to them, then; Once we get out,” He smirked at her and she laughed. “I’m pretty sure that when he’s older he’s going to have the entire world wrapped around his little finger,” She stated and he picked the camera from her hands, Cordelia’s face coming into focus after a moment. Her blonde hair was messy and dirty, tied on the top of her head, she was smiling, but her eyes were empty, her neck bruised and cut from where the rope snapped when she tried to hang herself a few days prior. Grantaire’s bandaged arms appeared quickly before he got a proper hold of the camera, “They sound like great kids,” He said and she nodded, her cigarette long gone, so she picked up another. “They are. It’s not fair to them to have such a fuck-up as an older sister,”_

_“I’m pretty sure the therapists in here would have something to say to you if they heard you talking like that about yourself.” He said in a sarcastic tone. “Oh, fuck off, R. They can go and fuck themselves as well,” She rolled her vacant eyes. “I just want to get the hell out of this place and make sure they don’t have to deal with all of this bullshit. Asked maman and papa not to tell them much about what’s going on, you know? They’re just kids, don’t need them getting worried over something like this.”_

_There was a moment of silence as she smoked, then Grantaire asked her, “They don’t know why you’re here?”_

_Cordelia looked at him critically before sighing deeply, picking up a blunt and a light from the pocket of her hoodie, only speaking after a couple of hits, “They don’t even that I’m here, actually,” She said, vacant blue eyes staring straight ahead, “They think that I’m spending some time away with our grandmother,”_

_“Why didn’t you tell them?” Grantaire asked, voice curious, the camera shaking a bit as he reached out for the blunt._

_“What was I supposed to tell them, ‘Taire?” She inquired, “Was I supposed to sit my two baby brothers down and have a talk about my trip to the fucking psych ward and warn them about the dangers of leaving a young girl alone with her ballet instructor?” Her voice dripped with sarcasm as she took back the blunt._

_“Well, how the fuck would I know what to say? But if you were on a roll, you could always warn them about young boys and creepy uncles,” He suggested as if he was talking about the weather and she snorted._

_“They don’t even know about the OD,” She said, “I don’t know, ‘Taire, they’re just kids, I’m not going to just dump all of my shit on them, it’s not fair,” They were silent for some time, and then Cordelia groaned, “You know what else isn’t fucking fair?” She asked him and continued before he had a chance to answer, picking the camera from his hands and focusing on his face, “It’s not fair that these bastards are trying to make me fat,”_

_Grantaire snorted at her words as he lit another cigarette, handing her one as well; His bandaged arms in sight, thin wrists looking frail, “Tell me about it,” He murmured around the filter, “I’m trying to watch my fucking figure,”_

The clip ended, the TV turning black for a few seconds before Cordelia’s face reapeared, now in her mid-twenties, her eyes looked tired and bloodshot, her face was pale and her blonde hair fell in curls down her shoulders.

Grantaire felt his eyes prickling with tears when he realized that she was wearing the same clothes she had on the last he saw her, on the previous week, 

_”Hey, mister artist,” Her voice was light._ Grantaire sucked in a breath at the familiar nickname. _”I don’t have much time, everyone should be back home soon, but I needed to be sure that you would know a couple of things,” Cordelia gave a small smile, “Remember when we were eighteen and about to be discharged from the psych ward? We made a deal then, remember?_

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Grantaire said breathlessly as he watched the video, knowing exactly what she would say next. He felt the eyes of his friends jumping to him at his outburst, but he ignored them completely.

_”Now, don’t get fucking mad at me, I’m just upholding my end of the bargain,” She joked, “Anyhow, we agreed that whoever went first would not come back to haunt the other,” She continued, behind her the sun was setting and her bedroom was filled with golden light, “So, in the spirit of not actually becoming a vengeful ghost, I need to know that you are aware of a couple of things,”_

“Grantaire, are you sure you want to watch this?” Enjolras asked him, his voice tentative and Grantaire felt like fucking crying because Enjolras was the one who just lost his sister, he shouldn’t be worried about Grantaire, of all things.

“It’s alright, Ange,” He nodded and turned back to the TV.

_”I love you like a brother, R; We both made out of that godforsaken place, but you were always the stronger one, you got your life together and I’m proud of you, so fucking proud,” Her voice was thick with emotion, “I’m so happy that you and Enjolras found each other, you’re a great couple and I couldn’t ask for a better person to love my baby brother; So you have a mission, mister artist,” She said and her voice trembled a little, “You need to stay strong, no going out and drinking until you pass out and no going back to the stuff we did on the rooftops of the hospital, either,” Cordelia sounded stern, “Because you’re better than that, I know it and you know it too,” She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes, when she blinked them open they were shiny with tears, “You need to do one last thing for me, okay? You need to look after my baby brothers,” She continued, “Look after them both, Enjolras will throw himself in his work and will barely sleep and ‘Parnasse will close himself in his bedroom and pretend like the world doesn’t exist,” She rolled her teary eyes before going on, “So I know that there isn’t anyone better to look after my baby brothers than you, my found brother,”_

Grantaire could feel his face wet with tears, his breathing coming in heavy pants, he felt Enjolras’ dainty fingers wrapping around his wrist.

_Cordelia smiled at the camera, a soft little thing, “One last thing, don’t you fucking dare feel guilty about this, it’s not your fault, you are the best friend that I could have ever wished for, so you don’t need to mourn me, alright?” She tilted her head to the side and smiled again, “I’m at peace, ‘Taire, I swear that I am. My life is a war that could never be won, and now I’m finally at peace. I don’t feel anymore that the stars are black and cold or that I’m staring into the void, I just feel peaceful,” She smiled at the camera for a couple of moments before letting out a small laugh and sitting upright, soft smile in place, “I’m proud of you, okay? I promise that I’ll be looking over all of you. Bye, mister artist, I love you.”_ The clip ended.

Grantaire blinked at the television for a long moment before abruptly standing up and walking out of the living room and to the balcony. He could feel his friends staring after him. Shaky fingers trying and failing to light a cigarette. His trembling hands were covered by much smaller and pale ones. He looked up from the cigarette and into Enjolras’ blue, misty eyes. “Here, let me do it,” His voice was soft as he lit the cigarette for Grantaire and then he stepped back, letting his boyfriend have some space to process everything.

“How dare she?” Grantaire snarled as he turned around and faced Enjolras again, “How dare she say all of those things? I just-” He paused, breathing heavy and eyes closing tightly.

“‘Taire,” Enjolras softly called his name, “‘Taire, come here,” He crossed the balcony and held Grantaire, hugging him firmly. Grantaire’s body stiffened before he seemed to deflate and finally, after holding it together all day, he allowed himself to cry. And he sobbed and gasped for breath, Enjolras' own tears mixing with his own.

Crying for the loss of a sister, a best friend. Crying because they would never again hear a tinkling laugh or hear cutting remarks that never really had any bite to them. 

And so they cried. Because Cordelia said that she was at peace, but they weren’t. And they probably never would be again, fully at peace. At some point, they had sat down on the cold, concrete floor and had been joined by Montparnasse. And so Grantaire allowed himself to hug them both to his broad chest, because Cordelia had asked him to look after her baby brothers, and he was angry, he was furious at her for leaving them, for thinking that they would just go on like nothing had happened. But he would make damn sure to do as she had asked him to. 

Grantaire looked up at the sky, where the sun was just coming up, _damn you, Cordelia, I’m not at peace, but I’ll look after them, anyway._

**Author's Note:**

> Please say hello on the comments.


End file.
